Religion has been on my mind A LOT lately.. To tell you the truth, I hate religion. I hate what it has done to my life, to my family, and to others around me. I hate that religion prevents people from being together. Take me and Michael for instance. If religion wasn't such a big issue, my family would be happy for me and Michael being together. I mean, we're the happiest couple I know and my family can't be happy for us. I hate that when religion is a conversation topic somewhere in there is a "My religion is better because..." Why can't there be one religion and one religion only?
When I moved out my parents insisted I went and talked to my bishop. Worst hour of my life. I asked him about still being welcome in the church and he said of course but that it would be like going to a gym and watching people work out. Ok, I understand why he would say that but I disagree. I feel like me going to church would be like me going to the gym and running a mile but then coming home and only walking around the block. I still have a place in my heart for my church. I have my beliefs about it, and I feel that me moving out didn't take the church out of my life completely. At least it shouldn't have.
Another thing the bishop told me is he doesn't believe that what I am feeling is love. He thinks I am confusing it for something else. He feels that love requires sacrifice. I agree. I mean, that's what I am doing. I sacrificed some family, friends, the temple, and more to be with Michael and I feel it's worth it. He told me basically that I was confused. That sacrifice means giving up one thing for something better. Again, I agree. I feel that Michael is that something better. I feel he is way too good to me and I don't deserve it.
The bishop also told me that he felt I would only feel great saddness from my decision. That I also agree with...in a way. He feels I will feel sadness when it comes to Michael. But actually, I feel sadness that Michael and I are each working 2 jobs to support his older brother. Who lives with us for free. I wish we could be spending more of our time alone instead of bringing him with us everywhere so he doesn't feel left out. Another example is Christmas, we spent a lot of everyone this year because his older brother didn't have money to buy gifts. So basically we bought gifts for him to give to people. I wish we could have spent that money on each other. Or on stuff for the house. Our house hasn't much makeover since we have moved in because we have had other things come up.
I admit I have only been to church once since I have moved out and here's why...
1- At the house we were renting the bishopric came to my house and introduced themselves to me. I went to church that very Sunday and they all introduced themselves to me again. They didn't remember coming into my home and inviting me to church.
2- NOBODY in my new ward has come to introce themselves to me. I don't know what time my church is or where it is. I don't know the bishop, his counselors or the relief society president. Obviously they don't care if I come or not.
3- I did happen to get a letter in the mail inviting me to come clean the church. So, they would love my help cleaning but don't think I would be an asset to the ward?
The funny thing about all of this is Michael doesn't care whether I go or not. He would love me no matter what I did and never judges me on if I go or not. He believes you can believe in God and don't have to go to church to prove it. He has a point. I pray. At home. Just because I don't go on a weekly basis doesn't mean I don't have a belief in Heaven or of God.
Michael and I are so happy and it breaks my heart that people around us can't be happy for us. If and when we get married I wonder if my family will support it. I wonder if they will contribute. I wonder if they will be happy for us.
This whole topic is always weighing on my mind and it stinks. I would love to just live happily ever after without worrying about what others think about our relationship and our situation.
So, if you are reading this and are judging my situation. Don't bother being a friend. I want friends that will love me no matter what choices I make even if they disagree. I want friends that would love to hang out with me and talk about girl stuff and not ask me a million times, "When are you getting married." Trust me, when I know, you'll know.